Third, the father and mother must be of one mind in order for a family to be healthy. They must be of one mind in sacrificing their own freedom for God’s sake and in raising up a strict moral standard. The father must not have one view while the mother has another. I am talking about the case where both parents are Christians. It is another matter if one of them is not a Christian.
A father and mother often do not take the same stand. As a result, they give their children the ground to sin freely. It is not easy for children to have an absolute standard if their parents are not of the same mind. If the father says yes in regards to a certain matter but the mother says no, or vice versa, the children will go to the parent they like and the one they feel most comfortable with. If it is more convenient to ask the father, they will go to the father, but if it is more convenient to get an answer from the mother, they will go to the mother. This immediately creates a big discrepancy.
I know of an old Christian couple who held different views. One would have one opinion and the other would have another. Their relationship as husband and wife was poor. As a result, they also became poor parents. Their children would ask the mother about things she agreed with, and they would ask the father about things he agreed with. They manipulated their requests in this way. If the mother came home and asked the children about their behavior, they would say, “We have checked with Father.” If the father came home and asked the children about their behavior, they would say, “We have checked with Mother.” As a result, their children had complete freedom by manipulating their way through their parents’ inconsistencies. Twenty years ago I said to the father, “If this kind of condition continues, your children will surely turn away from the Lord.” He said, “That will not happen.” Today all of their sons have graduated from college, and some have gone overseas for further study, but none have believed in the Lord. They all are very undisciplined.
It is a different matter if one of the parents is an unbeliever. If both are believers, however, they have to expect God’s heavy hand upon them. If one is not a believer, either the believing husband or the believing wife can pray specifically for mercy. But if both are believers and they pull their children in different directions, they can expect nothing but trouble down the road.
Whenever children get into trouble, the parents must exercise themselves to be of one mind. They must have the same mind before their children. Whatever the children ask, the husband’s first answer should be, “Have you checked with your mother? What did she say? If your mother says yes, you can do it.” If you are the wife and your children ask for something, you first should answer, “Have you checked with your father? Whatever he says, I will say the same.” Whether or not the other person is right is a different story. You must maintain the same stand. If there is any dispute, both of you must go into your room to discuss it. Do not open a loophole for them. They will become loose once there are loopholes. Children always like to look for loopholes. If the husband sees a fault in the wife or vice versa, any question as to why something was said to the children must be asked behind closed doors. It is important to clarify any disagreement, but you must not allow your children to find loopholes in you. If the parents are of one mind, it will be very easy to lead the children to the Lord.
Fourth, there is a basic principle in the Bible that children are given by Jehovah (Psa. 127:3). According to the Bible, children are entrusted by God to man. One day you must render your account of this trust to God. No one can say that his children are his and his alone. The thought that one’s children are his own, that one can do whatever he wants with them, and that he has absolute control over them is a pagan concept; it is not a Christian concept. Christianity never teaches that children are ours. Rather, it acknowledges that children are God’s trust and that parents cannot exercise despotic control over their children throughout their childhood.