There is another factor crucial to our manner—our voice. We may say similar things, but the way we say it may be different. Our tone can be different. When a boss speaks to his subordinates, he has one kind of tone. When friends speak to friends, they have another kind of tone. When people are in love, there is love in their tone of voice. When a person hates, there is hatred in his tone of voice. The problem with most people today is that they have exhausted their nice tone of voice before they get home. When they come home they have only an ugly tone of voice left. We are polite to our colleagues in the office, we are tolerant of the patients in the hospital, and we speak carefully to students in the school. But we speak bluntly when we are at home. If you spoke in the office with the tone of voice you have at home, you would be chased out of your office in two days. Many people have a very crude tone of voice at home. They use the crudest language in their homes. It is no wonder that they cannot maintain a proper family life.
We must see that the family will not be peaceful as long as the tone of voice is wrong. Any tone of voice that is improper, strong, harsh, or proud must not be allowed in the family. Any tone of voice that is self-pitying, self-loving, or that gives the impression of a self-pronounced martyr must not be found in the family. If you speak in other places with the tone of voice that you use at home, you will ruin your career. Yet you allow such a tone of voice to remain in the family. It is no wonder that you are experiencing trouble at home. Therefore, we need to learn to be polite. Love does not behave unbecomingly, even in one’s tone of voice. Do not speak loosely. If one is careless with his tone of voice in the family, his family will not go on well.
In order for a family to go on well, love must grow. One must not allow love to die. Often young people ask, “Is it possible for love to die?” I will answer today, “Yes, love can die, and it dies easily.” Love is like anything organic; it needs feeding, and it needs food. Love dies without food. If you starve it, it will die. But if you feed it, it will grow.
Love is the foundation of a marriage. It is also the foundation of the family. Love leads two people into marriage, and it keeps them together in the family. Love grows easily if you feed it properly. However, it dies easily if you starve it. Many people love each other before they are married, and so they marry one another. But after they are married, they begin to starve their love, and their love gradually dies.
Marriage without love is a painful thing. A family that is without love is an even more painful thing. If a family is without love, it may not feel the pain of it now. It may not feel anything before the couple reaches middle age. But when they become old, you will find that something is wrong with this family; it is too cold! The difference between a family that has love and one that has no love is very great. Learn to feed your family with love before you reach middle age. Try your best to feed it and nourish it. If you do this, your home will be full of love.
Another point which needs much attention: Every married person should find out the things that the other person is most afraid of. Do not indulge in your own carefree lifestyle. Every person has something which he or she hates or fears the most. This hatred and fear may be related to a moral weakness. Husbands and wives must learn to accommodate each other and learn to adjust themselves in this case. One person may fear and abhor something that is not at all related to a moral weakness. In this case the other party should learn to compromise completely.
Let me give one or two examples. A few years ago I read a story about a husband in America who sued his wife for abuse. This story may sound funny, but it is also scary. This husband could not stand monotonous sounds. He simply could not tolerate them. Originally, he and his wife were deeply in love, but the marriage came to a crisis after two years. His wife loved to knit, but he could not bear the sound of it. For the first year or two, he tried to tolerate it. But gradually it became worse. By the seventh year, he could no longer tolerate it, and he sued her for mental abuse. The judge declared that it was not a crime to knit and did not grant them the divorce. The husband told the judge, “Before I was married, she was like a lamb to me and I loved her. After a year of marriage, I found out that she was addicted to knitting. Each time she completed a piece, she would take it apart and knit it back all over again. She just loves to knit. Today I cannot bear the sight of any woolen yarn. I cannot even bear the sight of a lamb; as soon as I see one I try to kill it. If you do not grant me the divorce, do not blame me for killing someone else’s lamb.” Do you see the problem here? It is a real problem. His wife felt that there was nothing wrong with her knitting, but her husband hated knitting so much that he was driven to kill any lamb that he saw.
Please remember that everyone has things that he does not like and things that he fears. These things may have nothing to do with morality. A person may hate monotonous sounds; this is his peculiarity. Everyone has his own peculiarity, which has nothing to do with morality. For any family to be successful, the husband and the wife must never do anything which the other party considers obnoxious, even though he or she may not have the same feeling about it. If you do something which the other party cannot stand, yet have no feeling about it, you will end up having problems in your family.
In Shanghai I had many occasions to talk to families. During my travels, I also talked to many families. The things that a family fights over are often very small matters. To outsiders and friends, they may be small matters. But when these so-called small matters happen with such frequency that it exhausts a person’s patience, major problems occur in the family.
We must realize before God that it is a very delicate thing for two persons to live together. This is not an easy task. Never think that we can be loose in this. What you consider inconsequential may be intolerable to the other party. You will be mentally torturing the other party if you do what he or she cannot stand.