Once we are married, we have to learn to appreciate each other’s virtues. In a family we need to learn to close our eyes to each other’s faults and accommodate each other on the one hand, and we need to learn to appreciate each other’s virtues on the other hand. This means that when the other person does something good, we must be sensitive to it. If a husband does not know how to appreciate his wife or vice versa, he or she opens up a big gap in the family. This does not mean that the husband has to flatter the wife or that the wife has to do something special to please the husband. It means that both must learn to appreciate the other person’s virtues, goodness, and beauty.
I know a brother who is taking responsibility in a local church. All the brothers and sisters in that locality think that he is a very good brother. But if you ask his wife about him, she will tell you that he is hopeless. The sister constantly criticizes her husband, saying that he is not qualified to be a responsible brother. In that local church, all the brothers and sisters are submissive, with one exception—his wife. You will find that this kind of family will not go on well.
We also know of cases involving the opposite circumstance, in which everyone says that a certain sister is very good, but her husband does not. One year I was in Peking talking to a few people. Everyone there spoke highly of a certain sister. Halfway through the conversation, her husband came in. As the conversation about the sister went on, her husband remained silent. He seemed to be saying, “You do not know her. I have married the wrong person.” The thought that one has married the wrong person has destroyed many families.
A husband must not be behind others in his appreciation of his wife. He may not need to excel above others in his appreciation, but he must not be behind others. You are not a proper spouse if your level of appreciation is less than that of others. If you feel that your husband is wrong, why did you marry him in the first place? This proves that you were firstly wrong. In order to have a good family, the husband must know how to appreciate the wife, and the wife must know how to appreciate the husband. One must not say something bad while others are saying something good about his or her spouse. You must discover his or her virtues. You must be sensitive to his or her merits. Whenever the opportunity arises, you must publicly acknowledge his or her virtues and speak your feelings. You are not telling lies. You are telling facts. When you appreciate your husband or your wife, your family will become more united, and your relationship more solid. If you do not do this, you will bring many problems to the family. Many misunderstandings and problems in the family arise as a result of neglecting this matter.
In England, a sister once married a brother, but the brother never said anything good about her all her life. This sister was always worried, saying, “I have failed as a wife. I have failed as a Christian.” She worried so much that she contracted tuberculosis and later died. Before she died, her husband said to her, “If you die, I do not know what I will do because you have done so much for me. If you pass away, what will happen to our family?” The wife asked, “Why did you not say this earlier?” Then she went on, “I have always felt that I was not good, and I rebuked myself for it. You have never once said that I was good. I was sad and worried and always thought that I was wrong. That is why I became sick and am about to die.” This is a true story. The husband told her how he felt only on her deathbed. Please remember that there is always a place in the family for kind words. We should learn to speak more kind words. We should learn to appreciate our wives and our husbands.
I know of some brothers who do not do well because their wives never appreciate them. The wives always think that their husbands are useless. They say to their husbands, “Among all the brothers, you are the only useless one.” These brothers become self-condemning. They say, “I cannot do anything. My wife says that I am no good. The person who knows me the most says that I am no good.” As a result, they actually turn out to be no good. Whether or not one has a happy family life depends not only on closing our eyes to the others’ weaknesses, but also on finding out the other party’s virtues and appreciating them. Sometimes we have to tell the other party about it or acknowledge it in public. If we do this, many problems in the family will disappear.