There is another aspect of personality and human consideration that we have to take care of. When you contemplate marrying a person, you must ask whether that person can get along with others. Marriage means a living together, and it is a big question whether or not a person can live together with others. Some people are by nature very individualistic. They cannot live together with others. If a brother is at odds with his father, mother, brothers, and sisters, you can only expect an unhappy marriage if you marry him. If a sister cannot get along with anyone and is always in conflict with others, you can be sure that there will be little happiness if you take her for your wife.
Everyone who wishes to marry must meet one basic requirement—he (or she) must be able to get along with others. Because marriage is a living together, if one cannot get along with others, he surely cannot live with you. If he cannot get along with others, how can you expect him to get along with you? The chances are very slim; it will be very difficult for him to change. If he has no respect for anyone in the world, can you imagine that he will have respect for you? If you wait until you are married, you will see that he also will have no respect for you. It is difficult for such ones to marry. In choosing a spouse, you must make sure that the other party has the basic human factors necessary for a marriage. You must find out whether he can get along with others.
Suppose a sister has reached the age of marriage. If she goes around and tells everybody, “My mother is terrible. My father is terrible. My brothers and sisters are all terrible. Everyone in the family treats me terribly,” you can be sure that she will complain later; she will say also that you are terrible. Such a person lacks the ability to get along with others.
Please remember that if you can get along with others easily, the chance of success in marriage will be high. If you cannot live with anyone, the chance of success will be low. I am not saying that no one will be able to live with such a person. But I am afraid that it will not be an easy thing. This is a very important factor.
We have covered the matter of physical health, the matter of character, and the matter of the soul. Now we want to cover the matter of the spirit. Spiritually, a person must be consecrated to the Lord.
We should not marry a non-Christian. However, more is involved than just this; we should have a higher vision before the Lord. A successful marriage must not only be one with natural physical attractions and compatible personalities, but also be one in which both parties have the same spiritual goals. This means that both must want to serve the Lord. Both must be totally given to the Lord. One lives for God; so does the other. In all things great or small, both are for the Lord. This means that there is the need of consecration. Consecration is more important than good character. Once a couple is consecrated, the marriage will have a solid foundation. In such a marriage both sides will have a strong common interest before God.
In such a family, there is no question as to who should be the head and who should obey. Instead, both will say that Christ is the Head, and they will both obey Him. Then there is no need for any side to save his “face.” Many times the wife argues with the husband, not because she is right or he is wrong, but because she wants to save her “face.” It has nothing to do with right or wrong. She is merely trying to “save face.” But the question of “face” will not come in if both are consecrated. Both can lose their “faces” before the Lord. Both can confess their faults before the other. We are those who are for God’s will. Any problem can be resolved if both parties are for God’s will.
In a family, if both the husband and the wife are fully consecrated to the Lord, and if both of them serve the Lord in one accord, the chance for such a marriage to be successful will be very high. Even though there may be natural differences, and even though physical attraction may fade away, none of these will become hindrances to them, and the family will still go on in a positive way.
These ten factors have to be considered in choosing a mate. They can be classified under physical (or outward) attributes, psychological (or character) attributes, and spiritual attributes. We must take care of all three things. We have to pay attention to a person’s physical attributes, personality, and spirituality. All three must be placed in their proper perspective. We must consider all three things and study them one by one.
Before you consider marrying someone or entering into an engagement, you should jot down all his attributes one by one. What about the natural attraction of such a person? What about his physical health? What about his heredity? How is his family? Everything needs to be written down in detail. This is a serious matter. Do not do it carelessly. You should write down every attribute one by one. What is his personality like? What are his weaknesses? How many attributes can you find in such a person that you can appreciate? Is he able to get along with people? How well does he relate to his family? How is his relationship with his friends? Does he have any friends? Please remember that those who have no friends make very poor wives and husbands. A person who cannot relate well to others has little chance of relating well to you. You must observe privately how he treats people, friends, family members, younger brothers and sisters, children, and parents. Then you need to know whether he is fully consecrated and whether he wants to live for the Lord. Find out how much he has given up for the Lord and how much spiritual experience he has.
The mature ones who oversee the young ones must also write down every point concerning the two persons and make a comparison. They will then have an idea of whether or not the two will quarrel or argue in the future. Many become aware of problems only after the problems have surfaced. We must study this carefully beforehand. This will tell us the chance of a couple’s future success.
I would like to say emphatically that the family life of our next generation has much to do with the church life of our next generation. I want to speak a word to the elderly ones: You must take care of the families of our next generation. The church life of the next generation will be strong only if you take care of this matter well. If our next generation has terrible families, the church will suffer great drawbacks. Today those who already have families have no way to change their families. We can only ask them to exercise more forbearance, endurance, care, and love. But we hope that those who are not yet married will exercise themselves to build up a good family. This is indeed an excellent endeavor. In the coming days may God bestow His grace to the church so that many young families will be raised up in which both the husband and the wife serve the Lord and walk in His way together in one accord. How beautiful such a picture will be!