Let us consider the problem of weaknesses. There are two ways to deal with weaknesses. Some weaknesses are intolerable. They are like difficult personalities, too hard for some to accommodate. A marriage will not be successful if there is the presence of such weaknesses. Others weaknesses are bearable. After considering, one may decide that he can live with such weaknesses. Of course, he must try to discover the other party’s weaknesses before they are engaged. Some try to discover their spouse’s weaknesses after they are married. It is useless to find faults then; this will only damage the family, because no one can change those weaknesses. It is impossible to change them. One must take note and consider well before he enters into a marriage whether or not he is able to live with the other party’s weaknesses.
Here is a word of reminder: Do not presume that those with similar weaknesses can get along with one another. Many people think that those with different weaknesses cannot get along with one another, and that those with similar weaknesses can. This cannot be farther from the truth. Some couples who have the same weaknesses argue, quarrel, and fight with each other all the time. One has a hot temper, and the other also has a hot temper. You may think that it is wonderful for both to have the same temperament. Actually difficulty is compounded when both have the same weaknesses. When there is a difference in personality, the conscience is not involved. When there is a matter of weakness, the conscience is involved. When both the husband and the wife are believers, any weakness in one party will be consciously felt by both parties. The burden of responsibility will be compounded, and the problems will be compounded as well. This is why we say that a couple should have similar personalities but different weaknesses.
I remember a husband who carelessly left things around the house; he never tidied up his room. His wife was the same. One made messes and the other made more messes. You would think that they would have been at peace with each other. But the two of them quarreled every day. The husband would say, “Do you not think that leaving things around like this is messy?” The wife would reply, “Why do you not tidy them up? Do you not know that I am very busy?” Please remember that one burden is heavy enough; two become unbearable. The result will be a compounding of family problems. Never assume that trouble will be less when both parties have the same weaknesses. Similar weaknesses result in problems. In fact, the problems will be doubled. When the weakness is with one person, he can bear it alone. But when both have the same weakness, the burden becomes too heavy. It is hard enough for one to bear his own burden. It is impossible for him to bear the other’s burden on top of his own.
Young brothers and sisters should realize that some weaknesses can be tolerated even when found in both parties. But some weaknesses are compounded when they are found in both parties. Such weaknesses are intolerable. It is better that the weaknesses of the two persons be different. Of course, sometimes even couples with similar weaknesses can get along with each other; there is no rigid rule concerning this. One simply has to watch for himself.
For a marriage to be successful, both parties must have character attributes that the other one appreciates. The wife must not despise the husband, and the husband must not despise the wife. Once there is contempt of any kind, the family is finished. Both sides should respect the other’s character. The husband must respect his wife’s character, and the wife must respect her husband’s character. Hence, we have not only the matter of personality and weakness, but also the matter of character.
For example, it is excusable for a wife to hide things occasionally when she speaks. But it becomes a problem of character if she lies all the time. Some husbands by nature are somewhat selfish; they care only for themselves and not others. But they cannot carry their selfishness so far as to lose their wife’s respect. Within a family, the husband must have some character traits that the wife respects. This is different from the matter of compatibility of personality. It is difficult enough for a couple to adjust to friction and conflict in personality. If, in addition to this, there is any contempt in character, the very foundation of the family is shaken. Then nothing can be done to save the situation.
Sometimes we see husbands who are very obnoxious. At other times we see wives who are very calculating; they will do things that are profitable only to themselves, and nothing more. Clearly these are character flaws. They are not merely weaknesses. This is a matter of contempt and disrespect. Once such elements exist, the basic ingredient of a marriage is gone. This is why we have to ask ourselves whether we can tolerate the other side’s character.
Some people are quite cruel. They are harsh to others, no matter who they may be. They are insensitive to others’ problems and feelings. They only want to express their own feelings, caring little if others are hurt. This is not a matter of incompatibility of personality but of a character flaw which opens the door for disrespect.
Some people have no control over themselves. They do not have any self-discipline. They are wild in everything, including their temper. When a problem arises, their anger flares up. Why does a person lose his temper? He loses his temper because he is selfish and because he is only after his own satisfaction. In the final analysis this is not a problem of temperament or weakness, but a problem of character. Once this element comes in, contempt and disrespect also come in.
Therefore, before two persons marry each other, they have to discover the admirable attributes in the other party. This is particularly true with marriages among God’s children; there should always be some noble traits on each side. If a man has nothing in him that others can appreciate, this man is not qualified to marry. You must have at least one or two noble traits in the eyes of God before the other party will respect you.