Many people have a wrong concept. They think they can change someone else’s personality. Please remember that this is not possible. It takes a long time for even the Holy Spirit to change a person. How much can you do? Please remember that marriage does not bring with it the power to change a person’s nature. Many brothers and sisters know that their spouses have a different personality, and they want to change it. But after two or three years, they find that there is still no change. If there is one hope in the world that is doomed to failure, this is certainly the one. I have yet to see a husband who has managed to change his wife. Neither have I seen a wife who has changed her husband. I once said that in marriage, one can only purchase ready-made goods, not made-to-order goods. Whatever a person is, that is what you get. You cannot order a person to be a certain way. You must first find out if you can accept such a brother’s or sister’s personality. You can only find out one’s present personality; you cannot expect to change it. If you harbor such a hope, you will surely be disappointed. We hope that God’s children will pay attention to this matter. This will spare them many headaches.
During the ten years that I worked in Shanghai, one-fourth of my time was spent in counseling family problems. I advise you emphatically not to put brothers and sisters with different personalities together. If they are put together, the result will certainly be serious. Children from such families will certainly be affected also, because they will not know which side to take when the parents are on a see-saw. It is also clear that it will not be easy for their children to be saved either.
Now let us consider the matter of weaknesses. The above discussion referred to differences in personality and did not involve any moral issue. But human beings have not only differences in personality, but also weaknesses.
What is a weakness? Some are lazy, while others are diligent. Diligence is a virtue, while laziness is a weakness. Some are accurate with words; accuracy is a virtue. Others not only are a little careless with their words but also constantly lie. They love to exaggerate what they say. This is a weakness in personality. Some are tight-lipped and do not like to talk much; this is a virtue. Others like to criticize and correct others; this is a weakness. They gossip about this and that family. This is not a matter of personality, which does not involve moral values. When a character trait involves a moral issue, it is a weakness, and it needs to be dealt with before God. Some people do things quickly while others act slowly; this is a matter of personality. But if a person is so quick that he becomes impatient, he has a weakness. Some people are so slow that they become untrustworthy. This is also a weakness. Being impatient is a weakness, and being so slow as to become untrustworthy is a weakness as well.
What should one do about the weaknesses of the other party? This is rather hard for any outsider to decide. Before young brothers and sisters marry, they need to find out each others’ weaknesses. They must do this before they are engaged, not after. It is wrong to look for weaknesses after you are married; it is, in fact, very foolish to do this. It is too late to look for weaknesses after you are married. It is better for the husband and the wife to be as foolish and deaf as possible. If you try to discover the other person’s weaknesses after marriage, you are too late, because you are already living together every day. You will see many things without even trying. If you purposely try to search for weaknesses, you will surely find more. The purpose of marriage is not to provide you with an opportunity for finding faults. Do not open your eyes after you are married. Before you are engaged, while you are still choosing your mate, do not be blinded by natural attraction. Do not allow natural attraction to veil you from the weaknesses of the other person. Do not be so hot as to overlook the weaknesses in the other party.