Fourth, one has to pay attention to the family of the other party. There is a familiar expression in the West, which says, “I am marrying So-and-so, not her family.” But please remember that there is no such thing. When a person marries a girl, her whole family comes along. Once a person marries another person, the whole family of the other side comes along, because a person is more or less a part of his family. All you need to do is to see if the other side’s family has a high standard of morality or a lofty set of values. What is their view toward many things? Do they have a strict standard for everything? How do the males treat the females in this family? And how do the females treat the males? Simply consider these matters a little and you will know what your family’s future holds.
A young person has been under his family’s influence for over ten or twenty years. He may not be satisfied with his family, but after he is married, his family’s traits and ways will unconsciously surface in his new family. Sooner or later these traits will be made manifest. I dare not say that this will be so ten out of ten times. But I dare say that it will be so seven or eight out of ten times. Although the traits may not surface all at once, the other party’s family will gradually creep into your own family.
If a father is very strict with his children, the sons and daughters of that family will not be too affectionate. Children from stern families are often lacking in affection. If a family is warm and the parents are full of love, the children from this family will spontaneously be gentle and easygoing. If both the father and the mother in a family are strict, the children from that family will be introspective and inward. It is all right if you want a husband from such a family, but do not expect to find a warm husband. If you find a daughter from such a family, she will be introspective and inward. If a family carries a certain trait, seven to eight out of ten times, the children will carry the same trait. Family traits always resurface in the second generation.
This is why some say, “If you want to marry the daughter, take a good look at the mother.” This word may not be altogether true, but there is some truth to it. By looking at the way the mother treats the father, you will know how the daughter will treat her husband in the future. She has been watching her mother for over twenty years, and this is what she has learned. Daily she has been observing the way her mother treats her father. How can she not treat her husband in the same way? It will be hard for her not to do the same things. I would not say that, in ten out of ten cases, a daughter will be the same as her mother. But I would say that you can expect this to happen seven or eight out of ten times.
For example, some people have a very strong character. They can be very gentle when you speak to them. But they grew up in a family with strong character. Sooner or later these overbearing traits will surface in them. If a family is close, and there is little quarreling or fighting in the family, the one who comes from this family will spontaneously be congenial and quiet. They will not argue or engage in physical fights easily. Children who come from such families will at least consider quarreling to be wrong and serious. To ask them to engage in a brawl would be like asking them to climb over a high mountain. If a brother or a sister grows up in a family that argues or quarrels every day, he or she may be courteous with you today, but this courtesy is undependable; it is only a temporary mask. One day when he lets down his guard, all of the skills that he learned from his family will come out. To him, cursing will require no effort, neither quarreling, and you will not be able to do anything about it.
Before you decide to marry someone, you should study the other party’s family, and decide whether you like it or not. If you like it, seventy to eighty percent of the problem is solved. If you feel that something is wrong there, do not expect your future spouse to be an exception.
Please remember that one’s habit is different from one’s view. One’s view may be one way, but his habit may turn out to be something else. If there are arguments, fights, and bad habits in a family, sooner or later the children will argue and fight. It is not easy to change anyone’s habit. When one marries a sister, he is marrying her whole family. When one marries a brother, she is also marrying his whole family. This is why one must carefully consider the other person’s family.