You have been engaged to someone, and now you have become a Christian. What should you do if the other party insists on marrying you? Here is something that you can do: Negotiate the terms with him ahead of time. You can say, “I will definitely marry you, but I would like to settle a few matters with you before marriage.” What are the few matters? First, the other party must allow you to serve the Lord. You should not move into the other party’s house with a false disguise; you should move in with an open banner. You are now a Christian. Even though you are marrying the other person, he must give you the liberty to serve the Lord. He must not interfere with your service to the Lord. Second, when you have children, they must be brought up according to the teaching of the Lord. Whether or not the other party becomes a Christian is up to him or her, but the children must be brought up according to the teaching of the Lord. You must settle this from the very beginning. Put this on the table first and have an agreement ahead of time. If you have an agreement, you will not face difficulties later. But if you do not make an agreement beforehand, you will face difficulties down the road. Marrying an unbeliever is always a loss. But you can minimize the loss and the headaches by coming to an agreement first. The other party must agree to give you the freedom to lead your children to the Lord. You have become a Christian. You will not go to the world. You will always be on the Lord’s side. If the other party is agreeable to this, you can proceed with the marriage. If the other party does not like it, he can annul the agreement. We need to inform the other party about our future commitment. This will tend to reduce the problems that will eventually come.
This is a real problem; it is not an imaginary one. But we can only say that there is no teaching in the Bible concerning this matter. However, we need to touch Paul’s heart. In 1 Corinthians 7 Paul wished that the widows would remain single if possible. But then, he also wished that the widows would marry those who are in the Lord (v. 39). Therefore, widows can remarry if there is the need. According to this principle, we can say that the best thing for a brother to do is to marry a sister in the Lord. If it is not possible to do this, it is best if he does not marry at all. However, if he must marry, we still would be happy to see him marry. Even if the other party is an unbeliever, we still would like to see him marry.
When we say this, we are not advocating, as the world says, “Choose the lesser of two evils.” We are saying that we would rather see a person commit a sin against God’s government rather than a moral sin. If by not marrying I fall into sin, I commit a moral sin. If I marry an unbelieving woman, I commit a sin against God’s government. There are two types of sin; one is moral sin, and the other is sin against God’s government. Please bear in mind that moral sin is more serious than sin against God’s government. If a brother needs to marry and he cannot find a sister, the best thing for him to do is stay single. But if he must marry, we should let him marry even if it means marrying an unbeliever.
If you marry an unbeliever, you need to have your eyes open and realize that serious problems lie ahead. It is particularly hard for a believer to marry an unbeliever. The hardship is greater than that of an unbelieving couple in which one becomes a believer. A husband or wife who becomes a believer after being married may encounter hardship, but many times the Lord will bring him through. However, a believer who marries an unbeliever will face many difficulties. We need to warn him ahead of time, and he needs to open his eyes to the hardships ahead.
If a person marries an unbeliever, we must warn him of another thing: He should be careful not to be carried away. He has to remember that he is marrying an unbeliever, and if he is careless, he will be easily led away. Of course, those who are married or engaged have to be careful as well, but those who are considering marriage should exercise even more care. In other words, they need special protection, preservation, and prayer, so that they will not be carried away by the other party.
If you have no choice but to marry an unbeliever, you must also lay down the terms clearly beforehand. You need to tell the unbeliever, “I have already believed in the Lord. I will not force you to believe, but you cannot interfere with my faith. You must give me absolute freedom in this respect.” You need also to bring up the question of children. “You must give me the freedom to lead our children to the Lord. I want my children to believe in the Lord. I do not want them to worship idols or to be conformed to the world.” If you emphasize this point enough, perhaps you can get by with this issue.
I will speak a few words to the more mature brothers and sisters. When you see a new believer struggling with such a problem, you must be very careful. Do not open the door too wide. Do not allow him to arbitrarily marry an unbeliever. On the other hand, do not close the door too tightly. Do not keep him away from governmental sin while exposing him to moral sin. It is better to let someone fall into God’s governmental hand than to let him fall into moral sin.
I have something more to say about this. We have many young brothers and sisters in every locality. Most of the problems in finding a spouse arise when too many saints have too many expectations concerning the background and status of others. A brother who has a higher social status does not want to marry a sister with a lower status, and the reverse is also true. Today there is no lack of brothers and no lack of sisters. But the question of status has caused many problems. I think this question would be easily solved if the brothers and sisters would change their concept about occupation. It would be easy for sisters to marry if they did not belittle brothers who are farmers. It would also be easy for brothers to marry if they did not belittle sisters who are farmers. Today we look down upon occupations which God honors and exalt occupations which men worship. This is what makes things complicated. Today we have no lack of sisters and brothers, but we do not have many matching pairs according to status. Since the matter of status is a worldly consideration, we need to have a complete turn in our concept concerning occupation in order to solve this problem.