Verse 1 says, “The children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.” In exhorting the children and the parents, the apostle deals with the children first, since trouble comes mostly from them.
In this verse Paul does not simply speak of children, but of the children. By using the definite article before children Paul indicates that the children of believers are not common. They are different from the children of people in the world. Therefore, the particular children, those in the families of believers, are exhorted to obey their parents in the Lord.
The phrase “in the Lord” indicates obedience to the parents by being one with the Lord. It also indicates that this should be done not by self-effort, but by the Lord, and not according to the natural concept, but according to the Lord’s word. The children of believers should realize that they are to obey their parents by being one with the Lord. Moreover, they are to obey their parents not by their own strength, but by the Lord Himself. Their obedience is to be according to the Lord’s word, according to the Scriptures.
In this verse Paul says that for the children to obey their parents in the Lord is right. The Greek word may also be rendered just. To obey the parents is both right and just.
In verses 2 and 3 Paul goes on to say, “Honor your father and mother, which is the first commandment with a promise, that it may be well with you, and that you may live long on the earth.” This is not only the first commandment with a promise, but also the first commandment concerning man’s relationship with man (Exo. 20:12). The promise, mentioned in verse 3, is that it may be well with the children and that they may live long on the earth. The first part of the promise is related to prosperity in material blessing; it also refers to living in a peaceful situation. The second part is to have longevity. According to this commandment, prosperity and longevity are God’s blessings in this life to those who honor their parents.
Honoring is different from obeying. Obedience refers to an action, whereas honor denotes an attitude. It is possible for the children to obey their parents without honoring them. In order to honor their parents, the children need a certain attitude, a certain spirit. All the children need to learn to obey their parents with honor.
If we would live long on the earth, we need to honor our parents. Those who fail to honor their parents commit suicide in a gradual way. They actually shorten their life on earth. If you wish to prolong your days, learn to obey your parents with honor. In the Bible this is the unique condition for having a long life. Anyone who desires a long life needs to fulfill this condition.
In verse 4 Paul turns to the fathers: “And the fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but nurture them in the discipline and admonition of the Lord.” Provoking to anger damages the children by stirring up their flesh. It is always destructive for parents to be angry with their children. For this reason, I counsel the parents not to lose their temper when dealing with their children. Not provoking the children’s anger requires the fathers’ anger to be dealt with by remaining under the cross. The only way we can keep from losing our temper is to stay on the cross. In dealing with your children’s wrongdoings or misbehavior, you must firstly go to the cross and stay there. Otherwise, you will lose your temper, and this loss of temper will provoke your children’s anger.
Instead of provoking the children to anger, the fathers are to nurture them in the discipline and admonition of the Lord. To nurture children means to bring them up, to raise them, by nourishing them. Raising children requires that the parents give them the needed instruction related to human life, family life, and social life. The word admonition here includes instruction. Paul was probably referring to the Old Testament requirement that parents instruct their children with the word of God (Deut. 6:7). This means that we are to teach our children with the Bible. Along with this instruction, we sometimes must discipline them, chastise them. It is crucial that parents learn to nurture the children in the discipline and admonition of the Lord.
As parents, we must do our duty with respect to our children. This means that we should not only teach them, but also set up an example for them to follow. Just as the Lord Jesus sanctified Himself for the sake of His disciples (John 17:19), so parents should sanctify themselves for the sake of their children. Those who do not have children may be free to do certain things, such as sleep late in the morning. But those with children do not have the liberty to do these things. For the sake of their children, they must be restricted. Children always imitate their parents. Therefore, it is the parents’ responsibility to set up a high standard and a proper pattern and example for their children to follow.
However, no matter how good an example is set by the parents, how the children develop depends on God’s mercy. On the one hand, the parents must keep a high standard, but on the other hand, they need to trust in the Lord. Day by day we should tell Him, “Lord, these children are not mine; they are Your possession placed in my custody for a period of time. Lord, what I am doing with them is simply fulfilling my responsibility. How they will turn out, Lord, depends absolutely on Your mercy.”
It is possible for parents to be selfish concerning the spiritual welfare of their children. If their children get saved and become spiritual, they are very happy. However, these parents may not be happy to see the children of other families becoming more spiritual than their children. Most parents in the church hope that their children will become the future apostles, elders, and deacons. Thus, even in this matter, we are selfish.
I once read of a certain woman who prayed desperately for her child to be saved. Although she prayed daily for years, still her child was not saved. One day she inquired of the Lord why He did not answer her prayers and keep His promise. The Lord told her that He would surely keep His promise and answer her prayers. However, she was too selfish. If she would stop praying so much for her child and begin to pray for the children of others, she would see His faithfulness. From that time onward, she began to pray for other children to be saved. After a short while, her child was saved.
This story illustrates the fact that we may be selfish even in praying for the salvation of our children. Not to pray for our children is wrong, but to be fully occupied with prayer for them in a selfish way is also wrong. Hence, the matter of the salvation of our children and their spiritual welfare is also a test to us.